Lyme Diaries, Entry 1.

There’s an element of grief with the relief of a diagnosis.

I am currently being treated for Lyme Disease. It’s a huge relief to have an explanation for all the joint pain, the tiredness, the headaches… but after battling cancer last year, I must say that it’s hard. Life post-chemo has been a bigger struggle than I anticipated, and now I finally feel like I understand why it’s been so hard. The relief of an explanation is coupled with the grief of wondering how the last ten years could have looked if I was treated immediately after a tick bite while living overseas.

I feel good knowing there’s a solution and a way forward. I completely trust my naturopath, as both a practitioner and friend. I’m really looking forward to working with him and treating this.

I have struggled with this massively for a really long time. And today as I write this, I am home feeling under the weather. My joints ache, I feel dizzy, I have a headache, I am exhausted. This past season has definitely been a bit tricky.

I’m ready for whatever is next. One of the things that they say is absolutely vital with Lyme Disease treatment is doing the emotional work. I feel like I have been doing emotional work all my life. I know there’s a lot of stuff I need to let go of. It’s just a bit strange to think of how much stuff needs to happen, considering how much has already happened thus far. There’s a lot of stuff I need to process, but I know I’ll get there.

I’m ready. 

It’s funny, as I am writing this, I can feel this sense of discomfort, that I just want to flee from the words. That I just want to say ”it’ll be alright” and run away.

But if I sat with this discomfort, what would it say?

That I’m scared. I am terrified of the unknown. I don’t know what to expect with this journey. I’m scared because my body just went through chemo for a pregnancy-related cancer. We had to wait a year post-chemo before we were allowed to try and have a baby, and now I’ve been diagnosed with Lyme. Something I really need to deal with before trying to get pregnant. Some would say maybe I don’t, but I do. I’m so bone tired, it’s hard to fathom being pregnant, let alone having a small child that needs 24 hour attention. I know my sleep and rest will be disrupted when I’m looking after a little love so I need to make sure I do everything I can now so I can be an amazing mum. I’ll definitely be a mum much later in life than I expected, and that’s okay. 

I nearly find this experience scarier than cancer, because with cancer, I had a treatment protocol and a timeframe - a beginning and an ending. I have a treatment protocol now with Lyme, but I don’t have a timeframe and I am fairly certain there’s no absolute cure, it’s something you manage long term. I am comfortable and confident in that, I just don’t know how long it’s going to be until I feel healthy and capable, and I’m grieving the fact that I haven’t felt healthy and capable for a really long time. It’s super exciting to look ahead and know that I’m going to feel better in the future, just if I’m honest, right now it feels like it’s one thing after another.

I have to trust God. The timing is always divine. It may not make sense to me, but it rarely does in the moment. It’s afterwards when you realise it all makes sense and everything has unfolded perfectly. God gives me everything I need in the moment and all the blessings and miracles will unfold and occur in their due time.

I honestly think the lesson here is that I just need to go with the flow. As I typed that, it autocorrected to grow with the flow. I love that. This is where growth comes from. To sit here and cry and have a hissy fit about how life isn’t going the way I planned it would make no sense if the plan is for me to grow through this, and to come out better on the other side.

I do feel ready for the next step, and I’m really excited. How crazy that with a bit of journaling I can go from feeling terrified to feeling excited?!

I trust that everything is happening for a reason. I feel like this is my big launch pad. I am also grieving, and that’s okay. Things are going to shift and change, and I’m content with that.

The rest of my supplements arrived today, meaning I can start them all today. I think I might get started right now! Eeeeeek. So excited.

AJ xx